


Slash Fiction

by ParanoidPedant



Category: Schizopolis, Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Crack, Fake Out Make Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hand porn, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Masturbation, Meta, Metafiction, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Sherlock's Mind Palace, Slash, Sublimated Homosexual Desire, mutually assured destruction, non-consentacles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:04:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5496428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParanoidPedant/pseuds/ParanoidPedant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An effete dark haired man and a traditionally masculine blonde find themselves in a number of scenarios contrived to escalate the emotional subplot of the story and create sexual tension. </p><p>This is Slash Fiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finis Origine Pendet

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite possibly the most important meta-analysis of fanfiction that you will ever read. Never before has such a feat been attempted. Its scope was immense, its execution masterful. Its mission? Impossible. 
> 
> Should the reader find any of the content confusing, distasteful, or otherwise objectionable, s/he is invited to file a formal complaint with the appropriate authorities. Apologies will not be forthcoming. The reader is further advised that any opinions presented are correct. The views represented are the views of the creator. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Mind Fuck.

[a man masturbates in the shower]


	2. Reluctant Solicitation of Services

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detective Inspector Lestrade shows up at 221B with a case for Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.

[at the flat]  
"Open resentment of your necessity."  
"Reminder that I am the best."  
"Acknowledgment of skill. Reluctant solicitation of services."  
"Agreement to pursue life's work."

\---  
[at the crime scene]  
"Series of impressive verbal displays calculated to demonstrate my skillful tongue."  
"Accusation of illegitimacy.”  
"Demonstration of legitimacy, backhanded comment about the accuser."  
"Ejaculated praise!"


	3. Android AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is an android behavior expert who has been asked to track down a rogue machine hiding amongst humans, but the delivery of an advanced generation battle medic bot from Mycroft may not be all that it seems.

Chapter 3  
\-----------

“Good morning,” Sherlock addressed the machine. “Run your diagnostic routine and report your findings.”

“All systems functioning within established parameters,” it reported in a flat monotone, but just for a second Sherlock thought he caught a faint smirk. Some amount of fidgeting and variability in expression was to be expected; they were programmed to mimic human behavior as closely as possible. When the first models had come out they had been an aesthetic breakthrough, but suffered from poor sales and low use. The models that did make it off the show-room floor were almost exclusively relegated to places where they wouldn't have to interact with the public. People found them unsettling because they stood perfectly still and stared. Subsequent models were programmed with a semi-random eye movement pattern and a handful of idle behavior subroutines, which the unit could modify based on input from the environment. In short, they learned to fidget. As the androids acquired new subroutines, their behavior would become unique over time as the unit adapted to its environment, creating if not a personality then at least an idiosyncratic presentation.

“Demonstrate your idle movement behavior pattern,” Sherlock ordered. 

At first it didn't look like the bot was doing anything at all. The only indication it gave that it had even heard Sherlock was a slight lift of the eyebrows and a twitch in the lips. Its programming was subtle, designed to look natural. After a moment, the bot shifted its weight to one leg, crossing his arms over his chest. Then it unfolded the right arm, glancing down at the fingernails, rubbing his ring finger with his thumb. It shifted its weight again, tugging at the crotch of its trousers briefly and sticking his left hand in his coat pocket. Satisfied with his findings, Sherlock ignored the android and left it to finish the protocol, watching as it paced around a step or two, looking at Sherlock's belongings then back to the floor. It would probably be doing this for another fifteen minutes or so. It ran a hand through his hair then and sat in the closest armchair.

“You're quite advanced,” Sherlock said.

“I've acquired sixty-seven unique idle behavior movements and extrapolated twelve more since my last software update,” the bot reported.

“You mean you've been allowed to go without a reboot too long,” Sherlock observed, mostly to himself. “Someone's let you go wild. Are you equipped with an emotional response suite?” 

“My programming allows me to mimic simple human emotions and my adaptive learning protocol allows me to acquire new subroutines based on frequently observed behaviors.”

“What are your current programs?”

“I am capable of mimicking confusion, polite disinterest, irritation, amusement-”

“Anything a bot might need to communicate with a human in a casual setting. Anything else?”

“I am programmed with a variety of sexual techniques and a basic flirtation protocol.”

“Interesting.”


	4. The 40,000 Year Old Virgin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester and Castiel have a conversation.

“I’m not really a man, Dean. I’m an angel.”  
“Dude, that’s worse.”


	5. Welcome to England

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just keep drinking tea until that fixes it.

"Let me make you some tea."  
"I made you some tea."  
"Let's have tea."  
"Do you want me to make you some tea?"  
"I'll make you some tea."  
"Would you like me to make you some tea?"


	6. The Musical Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is a Padlocked Door.

"I mean it's crazy, we finish each other's -"  
"Autopsies!"  
"That's what I was gonna say!"  
(the pair dances in a naively erotic way that could be misconstrued for close friendship)


	7. The Butcher of Baker Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A serial killer strikes close to home.

Chapter 5  
\-----

“It's his very ordinariness that makes him extraordinary,” Sherlock said. “To the casual observer he would seem but a typical man; an accomplished physician. But it's precisely that which makes him so remarkable. He can go anywhere without being noticed, can lure people to their deaths and they trust him until it's too late. So, we're looking for a man in his late thirties, perhaps early forties, with an authoritative but unassuming manner, considerable good looks, although not striking, so probably shorter than average. He will most likely -”

Sherlock halted when he noticed that John was smiling at the floor.

“What?” Sherlock demanded. 

“Do you really think he's good looking?”

“Obviously.”

“What makes you think so?”

“He would have needed to be charming enough to lure the females away, yet masculine enough to appeal to the males' sense of authority without being overtly threatening. In short, a man who could appeal to both sexes. His victims would have felt completely safe with him up until the last minute, so we're looking for someone with the bearing of confidence that professional accomplishment brings, but with the kind of personal magnetism that strangers would find compelling. Thus, my conclusion that our killer is quite handsome.

“He's attractive, but not strikingly so, hence the dearth of witnesses who recall seeing an unusual or suspicious person in the area. Upon first glance he would seem quite forgettable, yet close encounters with him find his victims drawn to him willingly. So, despite his good looks he must still be quite ordinary looking and probably a little shorter than average, as someone would have mentioned an exceptional looking person.”

“So, short and ordinary,” John summarized.

“Don't be so dismissive, John. Sometimes it takes an extraordinary mind to see the worth in ordinariness. Clearly, none of these people did.”


	8. The Science of Seduction

"I noticed that you are a lonely loser just like me. Maybe we can solve gay mysteries together."  
"That is amazing."


	9. A Very Sherlock Valentine's

When Sherlock gets home from a case he finds a dozen roses, bottle of wine, and chocolates on the table. He immediately goes into a sulk. John comes in and Sherlock is like, “What's all this for?” and John is like, “I'll leave you to your deductions,” and Sherlock decides to get sassy and sarcastic and be like, “Wine, chocolates, clearly you have a date tonight.” and then he's like, does that really work on them? And John winks and goes, "you know my methods. I'll leave you to your deductions.”

then stuff happens and other stuff and what a shock Sherlock is his date. Then when they go to eat the chocolates Sherlock has to tell him not to because he poisoned them while John was out in order to ruin his date.

As ever you see but do not observe. Smooch.

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably make more sense if you've seen Schizopolis, but not much more.


End file.
